And after a long time, we spoke again. Not as lovers, neither as friends, just as two far away people falling in touch again. Yes, thanks to me, atleast someone had to take a step ahead. But I know, you didn’t really wanna talk to me, but I did. And after talking to you I realized, you’re not someone I loved a year ago till now. You’re the same in my heart, but you’ve changed in reality. And I realized this as soon as you spoke to me. For I loved you, I obviously knew you well enough, only till we remained in touch. You made me realize a lot, just with this small conversation. I loved you at one time, and when you went away, I started looking for the things that reminded me of you. And so, unknowingly, I fell in love with them. Maybe, I loved them more than I loved you, for atleast they were there with me every time you weren’t. And now when I’ve seen you again, I don’t want you like how I did. Maybe I don’t want you at all. Maybe I never needed you at all. Maybe I’ve already moved on, just not from the things that reminded me of you! And maybe, I’ve started to hate myself after this realization. How hard it was for me to move on from someone whom I never held on to. How hard it is to love someone who doesn’t even exist anymore, yet alive. It breaks my heart to know that I never loved anyone, that I was loyal to my love only to know they didn’t care a bit for me. And after a year, the pain comes back, fresh as it could be, just to tell me to move on again, as though the previous effort was just a waste of time.
And maybe, I just don’t fit into this world. A world of misunderstandings, hatred, misconceptions, and yet more. Well, maybe a lot of love too. I was brought into this world, getting brought up into this world, will have to live my life in this world. But inspite of belonging to this world, maybe I really don’t belong to this world. Like orphans are taken up by new parents, this world has adopted me, and I don’t know what is my real world. This world is quite alike to me, but yet, it isn’t me. The eyes, the hearts, the souls, the minds, all are sane. Yet, this world to me looks so insane. This world doesn’t feel home to me. My heart tells me it’s time to go back to our home, but then I ask, where is my home? Where is my home, and what does it look like? Something like I imagined, a big but happy world. A world yet to discover each day, with no red signals, just walk to where the path takes you, and you can still home there. For me, the world was never about buildings, it was about people. And this world which I live in, I see no people but monuments with a heartbeat. Maybe the world is sane, and I belong to some insane. But all I know, this world is just not mine to live in.
And between laughter and smiles, and hugs and kisses, I fell silent. No warnings, no signs, no signal boards, just nothing. All was just within me, buried, yet kept alive. Alive for what, I don’t know. And It’s quiet funny that we feed the things within us that kill us brutally, and cry on not being able to let it go, yet we give it no way for it to move out. And now, here I stand, in the middle of the crowd, wondering why I’m so hurt out of nowhere in this happiness. What is it that I’m holding on to too tight, and why is it that it’s hurting me too bad? But, in this crowd of laughters and giggles, I could hear myself so clear, I could find myself so near. I was all by myself, for I could hear no one anymore, just my heart beat, and a soft cry.
Love at first sight? Yes, I started to love you from the first time you opened up to me and showed me your naked soul. A little innocent, a little broken, but yet a beautiful one. You believed in me, that when you fall i would catch you before you touch the ground. You believed that I would make you touch the sky, and make you fly. And I believed that some day I will give you all you want. Yet, in this beautiful love, I was scared. Scared to love you so much. Scared that now you’re the only one I live for. Scared that I might realize maybe you’re just not the one…again. Whenever you talk to me, I fall harder, I fear more. But I can’t afford to get another heart break, I can’t afford to lose you ever. Maybe, we shouldn’t have afforded to love each other. Because I’m so scared to lose you, and I’m so scared that I would find out we’re wrong for each other. You tell me you love me, and I wish I could tell you to not. Cause dammit, fate is not in our hand. And I sense our painful departure. You won’t believe me, you would tell me that you’ll stay, but don’t melt me that way. For the more days we love, the greater the pain we’ll suffer. I don’t know how to unlove you. But i just wanna tell this to you before our fate catches us, listen… I just love you.
And there it goes, something broke again
But all you can do is just feel the pain
Not anything outside, just something within
Unseen, unheard, its hidden under your skin
You can feel everything inside, hurting too bad
Nothing at all but you know, you’re just too sad
You know its your heart or soul that’s breaking apart
You know it too, that this is just day’s another start
But you can only get an answer when you know its question
For here you don’t even know what’s the actual reason
You cry tears which roll along your cheek
Just for it to know what happened to this idiotic freak
But you just keep quiet, too numb to talk
Sitting alone and idle, too hurt to walk
All you know, you’re too hurt to breathe
Just some cure is all you think you ever need
What’s love? Hell? Or maybe, heaven? Well, its both. Could be the worst or the best kind of journey. It makes you laugh out loud until you get tears of laughter and happiness. It’s only then that you realize that those are tears of sadness and pain. And, this isn’t the sad part that you realize it too late. The sad part is that even if you realize in the first step itself, you still can’t go back. It pulls you inside, it drowns you. And then there are few lucky ones who know to swim. There are, yet, a few unlucky ones, too. And then in love, too, you see, there are few victims, and then there are few witnesses. Cause basically its a case, case of the heartbroken.