People: the most dangerous drug.
I wouldn’t start up by saying things like “since I met you I understood what addiction was” or anything of that sort. You’re not my first addiction. You’re not my first love. I’ve been addicted to someone before you, and have been ruined by them too. And then, you came, my another addiction. Well maybe that’s why it’s hard to leave anything, for if we leave one, we gotta find another one to get the same feel. But here, seeing you, I’m scared. Scared that I’m so addicted to you that maybe I cannot live without you more than few hours. This is gonna kill me just in case you decide to leave me any time. I know it’s bad for me, but now my life is not in my control. You control my life. You control me, and I can’t do a thing about it. I really love you, but this sort of love could bury me alive, burn me to death. And I’ve tried hard enough to not get addicted to you, but before I could realise that I was, I fell for it. I thought it would last just for a while, but well, I think it might last quite a long way. But damn, I’m just so so addicted to you. I think about you so much. You’re always on my mind. Even if I decide to not talk to you, I end up texting you within minutes. Just because I’m just so much into you, and there’s no way to go back. It’s just so scary. Because I love you, and cuz people don’t last forever, you will leave some day and damn I will die that day. I really will. I will die without you. I just can’t bear any moment without you in it. And trust me, I’m not over exaggerating it. I mean it. You’re just so much more to me than you should be. I will never stop loving you. You know why, because I don’t think I ever can. I just need you so much. You, my best drug, my worst addiction.
And you scare me to death, because I love you so much. I love you so much that if you turn away right now, I would kill myself. It’s haunting that I cannot think of my future without you being in it. Hell, I cannot even think of a day without you. And because I know people don’t last forever, I’m scared of the day we would depart. Maybe hating each other, maybe just drifting away, whatever the way, but we will depart, and that’s just what I don’t want to. It’s said, live in the present, don’t stress on future. But what do I do when I fall for you deeper every day that the thought of even losing you brings tears in my eyes. That If I love you so much, you could do anything to me and the worst part will be that I would even let you do it. You have much more control over me than I do. You are so much more to me than my own life. And thinking about our departure, I’ve tried to push you away so much. But every time I push you away, I get even closer to you. I love you beyond infinity, I really do. But I’m just scared for another pain. Cause you could give me a pain which could never heal, for you are someone who can never be replaced. And I just want only you. And I hope that before our departure, I would end my life. Because I don’t wanna live a day without you being mine. And then, what’s my life when you’re not in it. I just love you so much.
My life is perfect without him. He’s not someone I love anymore. I don’t even smile at his name. But then, he’s still in my life. Unseen, invisible even in feelings, but he’s there. He’s just there, I can feel him. I can feel him everywhere and it’s uncomfortable. I don’t want him anymore, he’s not my need either. I do not miss him a bit, I just miss the time when he used to be there. I just miss the old me when he was there, for after he left, he took me along and I can’t feel myself anymore. I miss the feel of loving someone so much, caring for someone so much. I miss that blush I used to get when i hear his name, I miss the smile that I used to get seeing his picture. I miss every little thing of the time he was there. Even though he was my pain, he still is my love too. Unfortunately, was. Thinking about him every moment, first thought in the morning, last thought at night and every time between. The way I used to love brown eyes, and beard. And maybe thats what upsets me, that I’m not in love anymore, that I’ve moved on. And I understand why people get into relationships one after the other, they miss that feeling of being in love, even if they weren’t loved in return. It’s clearly not him I miss, it’s just the feeling of loving him. Maybe I could love another now, and maybe I really can get back to loving him, because in the end, it’s love that keeps us alive. Cause damit, I just miss being in love.
And now I understand what’s all behind people drinking, smoking and causing self destruction. It’s not always about anger, but mostly, it’s all about pain. Pain of their heart that has been broken, shattered. Maybe they drink so that their head feels heavier than their heart, maybe they self harm so the physical pain over takes the pain in their feelings. And maybe they smoke so their chest aches more than their eyes cry. It’s all about pain. It has always been about pain. They shift their pain so that they don’t have to feel their heart beating, cause for every beat there is a pain. And they know, wounds on the body can be healed, wounds in the heart cannot. So before you ask someone to stop, ask them what made them start all this. For if pain can be destroyed, pain can destroy too.
Why did they break their knuckles? Why are the mirrors into pieces? Why is everything broken around? Why did they shout their lungs out? If it was all about pain, why can’t they cry instead? Well, not all can cry. And then, tears eventually dry up, but the pain still remains. They give pain to themselves, just to release another pain which has been engraved within. And maybe that physical pain gave them pleasure, the satisfaction that they can hurt themselves more than others can hurt them. But no, don’t judge, don’t misunderstand, don’t get scared either. They need help, they’ve just asked the wrong source. They’re lost, but don’t think they’ll never find their way. They will, some day. But if we’re there for them, they’ll find their home sooner, easier. And maybe, you could find your home too
You hugged me so tight, that a after long time, I didn’t feel homesick anymore. Your arms were my home, it made me feel so safe, so protected. I’d told you once that I’ll never want to fall in love. But then there came a day where you smiled because of me, and I knew I would want to spend the rest of my life keeping that smile safe on your face. Every moment, every glance at you made me fall deeper and deeper. I once was scared of depths, but this feeling of depth was so different, so beautiful. I could look at you for a second and find hundred reasons to love you. You’re that magical, you’re that beautiful. And I’m so lucky that I have you in my life, someone so divine, so pleasing. And maybe I’ll have to go through the dictionary to pick out all the beautiful words that describe you, and yet be unsatisfied for there will no word just enough to suit you. I could sit down and just look at you for hours and that would make my day. It’s not love at first sight, it’s love at every sight. Love at every glance, love at every moment with you. I’m just so in love with you. You, my beautiful soul.
Soulmates..? The word that makes perfect sense. Souls that met, thus, soulmates. Souls that see each other, that feel each other without a touch, souls that love each other. Soulmates aren’t necessarily the ones who stay with us for life, they can cross our path and leave after some time. Perhaps, they’re misunderstood for the ones whom we’ve stayed, till now. No commitments, no caged bond, not a relationship, just the heartbeats. The soul’s heartbeats. Whatever said, would seem too less, would perhaps take away its meaning. Soulmates are just those who your soul genuinely says, “I love you”.
And I’m just too scared to go out, in the fear of getting lost. Getting lost in my thoughts, in my dreams, in the sky, just anywhere. I fear that one day I might step out, ride far away and never choose to look back. That I might look at the sky, at the birds flying high, and decide to never stay on ground. A constant fear, that I could do anything any time. Looking at the streets, walking along knowing my path is on the right, I tell myself to go left. Where the road end, I don’t know. And maybe i don’t even wanna know, I want the road, not the end of it. But everyday, I turn right. And I fear that maybe some day I would convince myself to take left, to never return ever. I fear that I might tell my loved ones that I do not love them, just to look stronger and brave, and then they might agree. I fear that I will push people away, to pretend that I wanna live alone, and they might let me. And this world scares me to death, it shows me how small I am. And when there are two roads infront , one which I want to live in, one which I live in, I fear I might choose the one I want to live in. Cause dreams are yet imagination, but reality is reality! And out of everything in the world, maybe I’m just scared of myself.