Breathless Pain

There was something about me

It drove me crazy

Gave me a headache, made me dizzy

There was something about me

That made me cry

Keeping me breathless, it tore me apart

There was something about me

I felt empty

Numb as ever yet pained with emotions

But then there nothing about me at all

It was just me

Me with my emotions

Me with my emptiness

Then there was you, and another second, there wasn’t any you

Who are you, to come and go away and back again

Your chaos had me in painful panics

Panics to death and back

But now, I played along

And now I’m calm

Calm as ever

Content in my sadness

So content feeling alone

Just content in feeling pain

Hold on, they’re different.

People are different, very different from one another. At times, completely different. Some might love to sleep early, some might wanna talk until 4a. Some might love you like you’re the only one, some might love you like you’re the best but a part of their life. Some might show their love, some might hide their feelings. And in between all of this, there’s always the good, and that good is love. It’s all about understanding. Understanding how the person is, how they make love, how they live life. Understanding, that there isn’t any bad. Maybe their intentions weren’t of hurting. Maybe that’s how they live. They’re not you, they’re just different. But there’s love. And let that love be there, dont let go of it. Don’t let go, because they’re different. Hold on, because they’re different.

The fight against oneself.

As the sun rises every morning, as I open my eyes waking up, my heart sinks to the ground. Knowing I’m all alone, again, like everyday. It scares me, that I need to get out of my bed, and participate in the real world full of people. This world is a scary place. But more than this world, I’m scared if myself. Scared that I might get hurt again, I might fight with myself again, or maybe the whole world at once. As I wake up every morning, I hear a voice inside me. Shouting, crying, telling me not to get out of bed, like a child crying when its scared of something. And a child always needs someone, to assure him that he’s not alone, that they’re with him, and that there’s nothing to be scared of. I feel like that child, every morning. How I wished to have someone say to me every morning, that its okay to face the world again, that they’re here beside me, and that I’m not alone all by myself. How I wish someone could hold my hand every morning, give me a hug, and tell me I’m worth living.

Not just the morning, my mind is in constant fights all the time. Fights with the world, fights within itself. With pain and pain everywhere. An unbearable pain. The pain which makes me wanna shout my lungs out. Which makes me wanna shout and cry the loudest of all the souls on earth, and continue doing that until all the pain is cured within me. Because I’m tired, tired of trying so hard, and still not feeling good.

I ask myself whether it is okay if if don’t wake up for a few days, for a while until I’m assured to be okay. And maybe I actually ask myself whether I should give up, and not wake up at all. Maybe today, Ill let myself live. Today, I’ll give up.

Love, but respect too.

“Love and respect are two entirely different things. You love me, you really do, But no, you don’t respect me. You don’t value me. I can see that in your eyes.”

“How can you say that?”

“I can feel it. The disrespect from you. The way the you treat my words, like you never heard them coming out of my mouth. The way you treat my tears, like you never saw them flowing. They way you treat my feelings, like they mean nothing in this world. You make me feel loved, and you make me feel disrespectful. The love you have for me, is a love to be punished for. How can you not respect the person you love? If you cannot respect them, how can you love them? 

Its all your love that makes my self respect vanishm your love was so strong, that it made me devalue myself.”

“I’m sorry… I do respect you.”

“I wish you did. I really wish you did.”