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Come back to yourself

Don’t walk that way baby, when you know it’s wrong

I know it’s hard to turn around, but that’s not where you belong

They’re demons inside, they’re not your friends

Turn back, maybe that’s where your path ends

Look at you, look at what you’ve turned out to be 

You’re someone whom you really didn’t want to be

This is not the real you, you’ve been dirtied with pain

You are a false change, but don’t worry, you will not remain

Get out of this, get out of this for yourself

Create another home, the most beautiful one, in yourself

Come back to who you were, come back safely

Just come back to yourself, baby

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To the friend I lost. 

To the friend I lost,
Hi. I know you wouldn’t want to hear from me again, but maybe you’re the only I want to talk to right now.
We’ve kept fighting too much, and too often right from the start, but that’s how different our friendship was. We don’t speak for days, but we always come to each other after that. Why didn’t you come back this time?
I apologise for pushing you away, but that’s when I needed you the most. I came back to tell you that I’m not okay, but I guess it was too late for you to understand.
You were my friend, how could you just not understand?
The last time I spoke to you, you told me it was over, that we’ve ended our friendship. But why didn’t you realize, that it’s you who’s ended, I’m still holding on? I should’ve spoken back and told you it’s not over yet, but your words had weighed too heavy for me to stand back. 
I didn’t find it right for you to not be there when I was in my low phase, that’s when I shouted at you to come back. But instead, you walked away like I was nothing. You blocked me over all social media, and then your heart too. How could you do that so easily?
Should I say now that it’s all my fault for expecting too much from you? Or should I say that maybe you were a wrong person for me, who just couldn’t handle me at my worst?
I have been fighting with myself since you’ve gone. I have been feeling a little too lonely since you’ve gone. But maybe it’s all done from your side. I don’t know what’s right and wrong here, and there’s nothing more I can do even if I get to know. 
I’m sorry, for the last time. I thought I had the right, because you were mine. I hope you are well and happy, and I hope you always remain that. 
Just come back, if you can. I miss you too much.
I love you.
_Your friend.

Looking for a home

I wander around, and wonder along. Not the sort of wanderlust which seems, but more like a homesick person looking for his home. I sail among places, among people, among happy moments, only to find another home homely enough. Yet, as my energy drains out, I come back to rest, inside the house I own. What an irony it seems, that I lay on bed, wishing for a home to live in. Wishing for my home to live in, the home I found in my person. I don’t remember how far or close the day was, the day I got abandoned, but I remember how exactly I felt. There was nothing poetic about the pain. It was the sort of heartbreak, which felt impossible to recover from. It felt like the shelter above me was pulled away, like all the clouds turned grey altogether, like I was orphaned by my home. And since then, I feel homesick, terribly and achy. 

I see people around, like they’re the homes I’m not supposed to be in. I look into their eyes and see myself so alone. I feel their arms wrapped around me, and feel homelessness creep inside me. The more I wander, the more I realize that no person ever could replace the home I stayed in. Yet, I try to find something nearly homely, something livable enough. But I know, I know it too well by now, that I wouldn’t go to any other person, I wouldn’t want to find home in any other person ever. 

My home was all I had, all I’ve ever wanted, all I ever want back. My home was my person, just mine. But somewhere inside, I know I’ll never get back, and that’s the most painful thought I feel every day. It’s the kind of pain medicines cannot cure. It’s the kind of pain that creates permanent voids, which we fall inside from time to time, reminding us that we’re not okay, that we’re still not okay. 

Sometimes I wish not to see the next morning, not to wake up from sleep ever. For what for to wake up, when I don’t have my home to look forward to. Sometimes I wish the day doesn’t end, the clouds don’t turn dark, for the day might end, but I wouldn’t have my home to go back to.

Yet, there are times, I sleep in arms of other people, kiss their bodies and touch their souls, assuming they’re my home, so I don’t have to feel homesick anymore.

Warmth-ness

I see myself, sitting quite in the darkness around

But this time, I don’t see myself so alone

Because I see you with me, I see you coming to me

Walking and sitting besides, just how I want you to be

You’ve understood my forlorn silence, the silence I never desired,

You came here to me, to listen to my unheard words.

And for some reason, in this world full of daunting people,

I didn’t feel the tremor in me, anymore.

You looked at me like I’m all that you ever want to listen to,

And that, that made me speak all that I’ve ever wanted to say.

You enfolded me in your arms and held me so tight,

That the warmth of your hug started to heal parts of my soul.

I stayed there, and so did you, like that

Like how I’ve been wanting to stay from so long

But you’re not really here, I saw you through my mind,

And now I’m here, longing for you in real.

Home-coming

I walked here and there, amidst the daily distractions

With forgetful hope, and no expectations

I walked there, as I walk there everyday

Heads down, heavy heart, and a low smile

You whispered my name, yes you did

So soft, like a home calling to a homesick

I lifted my head to look at the eyes of the voice

I saw you looking at me, I saw you standing right there 

You called me to come home, come home to you

You called out for me, you came just for me

But when I walked towards you, painfully happy

You disappeared like thin air, invisible, in a blink

It was you, wasn’t it? It was you there, right?

You’d come for me, you came to be my home

Don’t go this way, come back to me

Hold my hand, I need you to do that

You weren’t being a passerby, I don’t want to accept this

You’d come for me, I want this to be true

You’d come for me right? Call me again once more, please?

Come back, I promise I wouldn’t let you away this time

Don’t paint my true self

No, don’t belittle my fears, don’t disparage my emotions. They are all true, they’re all real. As real as I am. But I have no proof of the origin to these emotions. They just somehow exist, hidden somewhere deep within me, where I reach out to, innumerable times. Like I am now, surrendering to it, sleeping in it like it’s my own bed. They’re all real to me. The fears I see in my own eyes, the rush of hormones inside my body, the cold shivers tickling me. They’re all alive with me, like a part of my body now. Don’t think of me as a stupid human just because I tell you I feel scared but I don’t know of what. Because I’m just telling you what my truth is, what I know of me. When you’re scared of something, you do have a solution to cure that something around or in you. But when you don’t even know what you’re scared of, how are you gonna look out for a solution? You can only look out for a distraction, which in the end is just a temporary solution. But my fear treats me like a paralysis attack, making me defenseless. All I could think of is reach out for help, because this feeling of fear is dreadful. But when someone picks up my call for help, all I hear is that its all in my mind. Wait, what? Is it? Is it all in my mind and I’m not genius enough to realize that? Duh, If it really was just all about my mind, my distractions would’ve been my permanent solutions by now. You look away like its a petty rush of hormones, which will calm down in a day. But do you realize how many days you’ve been looking away like this? 

What I’m feeling, is a really bad feeling, you know. Don’t tell me or make me feel that I’m not trying hard enough, because then that makes you less deserving and less capable to understanding me. But if you say so, that things will get better eventually, then I strongly agree to you. My angst has become much stronger and better than it was before. 

Not trying to ask any help anymore, but there’s a lot of hell you’re just ignorant of.

Understand. Really?

Its funny, that people tell you that its only you in the end who is responsible for you self happiness and sadness, and everything that you ever feel. Yet people still tell you to stop blaming things on yourself for the things happening to you, for there are some morons alive in this world responsible for it. Its really funny, but you won’t feel like laughing at it. Because for something to be funny, you first need to understand it. And this thing cannot be understood. If someone hurts you, its them who are at fault, not you. But then, you are the one suffering for things you didn’t do? Well, you did something. You gave them the power to hurt you, you gave them that much place in your heart that they were capable of hurting you. Wait, what? Come on, who knew they would turn around and hurt you? But come on, how did you believe they wouldn’t? Funny, right? Laugh, not because you’ve understood what exactly the issue is, but because you really don’t know how to get out of it.