People are different, very different from one another. At times, completely different. Some might love to sleep early, some might wanna talk until 4a. Some might love you like you’re the only one, some might love you like you’re the best but a part of their life. Some might show their love, some might hide their feelings. And in between all of this, there’s always the good, and that good is love. It’s all about understanding. Understanding how the person is, how they make love, how they live life. Understanding, that there isn’t any bad. Maybe their intentions weren’t of hurting. Maybe that’s how they live. They’re not you, they’re just different. But there’s love. And let that love be there, dont let go of it. Don’t let go, because they’re different. Hold on, because they’re different.
As the sun rises every morning, as I open my eyes waking up, my heart sinks to the ground. Knowing I’m all alone, again, like everyday. It scares me, that I need to get out of my bed, and participate in the real world full of people. This world is a scary place. But more than this world, I’m scared if myself. Scared that I might get hurt again, I might fight with myself again, or maybe the whole world at once. As I wake up every morning, I hear a voice inside me. Shouting, crying, telling me not to get out of bed, like a child crying when its scared of something. And a child always needs someone, to assure him that he’s not alone, that they’re with him, and that there’s nothing to be scared of. I feel like that child, every morning. How I wished to have someone say to me every morning, that its okay to face the world again, that they’re here beside me, and that I’m not alone all by myself. How I wish someone could hold my hand every morning, give me a hug, and tell me I’m worth living.
Not just the morning, my mind is in constant fights all the time. Fights with the world, fights within itself. With pain and pain everywhere. An unbearable pain. The pain which makes me wanna shout my lungs out. Which makes me wanna shout and cry the loudest of all the souls on earth, and continue doing that until all the pain is cured within me. Because I’m tired, tired of trying so hard, and still not feeling good.
I ask myself whether it is okay if if don’t wake up for a few days, for a while until I’m assured to be okay. And maybe I actually ask myself whether I should give up, and not wake up at all. Maybe today, Ill let myself live. Today, I’ll give up.
“Love and respect are two entirely different things. You love me, you really do, But no, you don’t respect me. You don’t value me. I can see that in your eyes.”
“How can you say that?”
“I can feel it. The disrespect from you. The way the you treat my words, like you never heard them coming out of my mouth. The way you treat my tears, like you never saw them flowing. They way you treat my feelings, like they mean nothing in this world. You make me feel loved, and you make me feel disrespectful. The love you have for me, is a love to be punished for. How can you not respect the person you love? If you cannot respect them, how can you love them?
Its all your love that makes my self respect vanishm your love was so strong, that it made me devalue myself.”
“I’m sorry… I do respect you.”
“I wish you did. I really wish you did.”
Our adults, guide us in life. They talk about their experiences and ask us to learn from it. They ask us to learn from them. But isn’t it important, that for a student to learn something well, the teacher should be equally good?
Well, you could call it a bitter truth, or the harsh reality, that our own guiders misguide us. Yes, they do.
Think about it? Have you ever heard your parent or even any adult who gives you a big lecture, ever told you about their failures? Have they ever mentioned about their failures at all?
All they’ve told is about success and double success. But they’ve never mentioned about the million of times they’ve tried and failed. They’ve mentioned just one big step that lead them to the grand success.
Have your adults ever told you about the times they’ve slept crying? Have they ever told you that there are phases in life where you feel useless, and you don’t find a reason live? Have they ever mentioned that they too tried to kill themselves, once upon a time?
No. Our adults have never warned us about these phases in life. They’ve never told us how they coped up that night, that day, or that moment. They show themselves as experienced humans, for sure. But they do not mention the darkest phases ever, which we too face. And so when we come to face those phases, we’re surprised by their presence. The presence of the darkest times. We didn’t know we would ever feel this. And then we feel that maybe its just us who feel this, its us who deserve this bad. And that’s how our adults have made us doubt whether our life events are normal at all.
Don’t get mad at your friends/partners if one day you realize that they aren’t really okay in life. Don’t get mad at them about why they never told you about anything, and that you could’ve been a helping hand. For they might fall in guilt for not telling you anything, though it wasn’t any of their fault but yours. You never asked them if they were okay. You never did. And they don’t find it okay to come to you telling their problems, no matter how close you both are. If you want to hear what’s happening with them, you first need to ask them what’s happening. You cannot get an answer without asking the question.
And maybe they’re dying to telling you what’s up with them, but waiting for your question. They’re waiting for your concern to be shown, so they can tell you how broken they are, and how much they need you. But your question never came up, and their problems didn’t, either, to you. It doesn’t take much effort to ask if they’re okay, if they need help to recover. Don’t get mad at them, or try to make them guilty, cause they already have a lot to go through, you don’t have to add up more.
You never know who is going through what, maybe you know nothing about it. Even if they’re fine, there’s no harm in asking them once more. Because it could be that they’re all just waiting, waiting for you to ask if they’re okay, because they just aren’t.
People often lament to you, about your changing priorities, about your busy schedule, or about you giving less attention. And these ones are often called to be clingy, attention seekers, crazy or in the end, annoying beings. Yeah, asking you for your time seems annoying to you. But what about them? Do they ever feel crazy about themselves? Or do they know that they’re seeking for attention? Yes, they know. They know it very well, that they are seeking for attention. But, just your attention. They don’t need the rest of the population in the world, they need that one person, and that’s you. Why or else would they bother you so much? They could’ve been by themselves, content. But that’s not how it is, they’re content with you. And they’re afraid you don’t feel the same, or that you’ve just stopped feeling the same. When you don’t send a text, they’re afraid you might be busy texting someone much interesting that you. When you don’t talk to them, they’re afraid you’ve found someone better. When you don’t give them your time, they’re afraid they’re spending time with someone else. No, they’re not jealous. They’re scared, that that someone, might replace them in your life, and you’ll be okay with it, but they won’t. They’re scared of your abandonment. The loneliness that you’ll create for them. They don’t want you to do something so great for them always. All they want is to be assure by you, that you’re there, by their side, always. And that you will not go anywhere, and that they’re worth staying with. They, aren’t over possessive, they’re just the people who love you alot. They don’t ask for much, but what they ask for, is I think worth giving them. For every time you ignore them for anything, they devalue themselves. They lose their self esteem, they hate themselves, not you. Because, they love you. And they’re not someone to let go off. So the next time if they come up to you, just tell them you’re not going anuwhere, that you love them, and that they’ll never go away.
When someone wants to leave, don’t stop them, don’t hold on to them. Instead, give them a push, so they could leave faster. When things go difficult, when you’re losing yourself, when you’re all set to fall apart for the fifth time in the day, and they still choose to leave, then believe them, that they really don’t care. Don’t try to convince yourself that they care. No one who cares will leave. Don’t stop them, don’t even try. Let them wonder why you never stopped them. Let them worry about why aren’t you getting worried about them. You aren’t always the one responsible, you shouldn’t always be the one apologizing for something you didn’t go. Moreover, you shouldn’t always feel guilty about things going wrong, for its never always your mistake.
Throw them away. Throw them that far, that they can be able to see you, but never reach out to you. And if they ever talk to you, make sure your ears are weak enough that you just cannot hear what they say. Don’t get distracted by their “I miss you”s and “I love you”s. Know this, if they really cared, they wouldn’t leave, and then come back with a solid excuse to ruin your faith on your decision.
One line, remember it, always and forever. You’re much more worth than what anyone thinks you are.